Always old?

Always old?

I am an teacher on an elementary school. I am blessed to work with children around the age of 12. I think that's a nice age, at this age I became self-conscious of my age.

When I was 12 and was in 8th grade, I found myself terribly old. I thought I was not a kid anymore. I remember when I walked through a street of our village, past the house of old people. I imagined that people saw me walk; mostly that was true because I always waved at them as they sat in the window. I did not know them really, but I still remember that I thought: oh my god, these people now find me really old! I'm not a kid anymore. I'm twelve. TWELVE! Terribly old!

The rest of my life I thought / think myself terribly old. Always. Every year, every day. Old, old old!

But actually I do not know well what it means: 'old'.  My body seems to grow older, it shrinks a little now, my eyes are going backwards, I get a wrinkled skin. I see it happening and I can not stop it! But THAT what it sees happening does not change. "THAT" just watches and wonders. "THAT" is not growing older, "THAT" seems always to remain the same!

A timeless witness, a witness who was present when my  four-year-old body lay in the grass and wondered about something as "grass" A timeless witness who saw me brushing the sidewalk with a dustpan  and I looked at my young people hands, little hands, little fingers, childish little hands … and I thought. Now is NOW and it will always be NOW..