Live your fucking live glorious

My dear,

It is incomprehensible, it is incomprehensible, and I'm not going to try to explain. But still I would like to point at what I really am. I am in a not very easy period of my life, a time of changes. Sometimes panic, sometimes resignation. Comes and goes. I, Annette, who thinks that ‘ I am’.

Realize this: I won’t go and I didn’t come. I'm always here and there. Always. And never. How paradoxical. Every person knows this, it’s your nature. Whatever you think of it ,  I need you to tell you this and you can be open for this if  you feel like it. Do you want? Okay. Listen: being born and dying are learned concepts. Concepts that happen in NOW. NOW. Here and now. You were told that you were born, you were told you will die. Don’t believe it. You are here and now.

But, the NOW doesn’t really exist… Why not?Because you are already making a concept of NOW. Experiencing NOW is experiencing nothing. A nothing. A not  position. A NOT existing position. Any position you will imagine will find place in your mind. Cut the crap.

How do I know? I can not know. But I'm telling you.

You don’t want to know? Good. Knowing or not knowing are just concepts, the same  sides of the same coin. I fucking can not help it that I have to pretend what I'm saying. It's what I am.

I'm not a teacher, I have no charisma, I am something nothing. An average person, the average formless creature. And that is why I sing this for you.

Please forgive me if I am not clear to you. So let me be clear now: live your live as if you will die next moment.  

Formless Creature Can you hear the rainbow, do you see the sound of the Moon she’s humbling while she is hanging around my mind is speechless and I never wonder why , I just breath and sight the colors through my head My body, my soul, my nature, but actually I am a totally Formless Creature Do you see the Earth; she is dressed in blue like a shining star Imagine anything, this is what you are and I believe in you and me, we are heading for liberty, I love my body, my soul, my nature but actually I am a totally Formless Creature Colors through my mind are rolling over the lines, having fun Non local points of views are connecting me and you – having fun I’m a Formless Creature I got this view from my window, I can see the light, It tells the story of the shadows in my life, it’s time to countdown Nobody knows how my ignorance grows no no no no body, my soul, my nature – actually I am a totally Formless Creature Nobody knows how my ignorance grows, nobody knows I m wrapped in my illusions but I mended my confusion I’m a Formless Creature

Experience of Oneness

Before, I did not pay much attention to special experiences. What I wanted was truth, the one all-encompassing truth. I wanted answers to my questions. If I had spiritual experiences - it happened to me spontaneously and I name them afterwards as such - I soon realized that these experiences are special, but fleeting. They come and they go.

I can tell you about some of this kind of experiences.

An experience I had was at the Amsterdam river the “ IJ” and also at a playground in the sandbox gave me the insight that one can experience unity be because I and all the other people basically perceive the same things: clouds, sky, trees, animals, etc. So at  some level everyone sees the same thing, although the observations are interpreted slightly differently as it is individually appropriate.

In addition, I was overcome (the IJ), the incredible insight that I have nothing, I own no insight, no knowledge, no ‘do not know’, I possess not even myself. This experience was an upside-down reverse experience.

Also, I once had an overpowering experience while I just sat behind my PC. It was as if I was struck by lightning , my whole living room seemed to disappear and I could only perceive energies and I danced like a mad professor Barabbas on the table and bench that does not really exist at that time, I seemed to fall into a timeless space. Anyway, also went beyond that experience.

And now comes the crucial point.  All experiences from my past are not real. They have not really taken place. They only occur at the moment that I describe above. They are only really in the NOW. They appear in my imagination NOW. I create them essential it right here. I call 'experiences,' I call 'past', I call time and space. It is done now. Now.

Now you may think that at that time it happened, it was also a Now.

Got nothing to do with that.  Now  IS now.

This movie I made when I seemed to completely disappear as a person in the beauty of the colors on the beach. As this movie will appear in your perception, is it always NOW.

Waiting for consciousness

bicycle path

Nice life? Nice life?Do you have a nice life when you want to go out there and it does not seem to be possible? But Jesus did it!

I have a hangover today, at least, I think it is a hangover after that whole bottle of wine I've drunk last night. And I thought about that so-called suffering physical pain and that people say: well, it belongs there.

Yes, if you've got a bit much to drink and the next day you feel sick as a dog because you have a hangover  you can not do anything but wait until it passes.

So that is what I am doing .I wait.  I am still waiting. And it's already after 5 pm!

There are people who wait their whole life until their life is over, did you know that?

Or they wait for consciousness.

When I last had a gig as a songwriter there was someone in the audience and  he told that Osho had given him a nam). His name means:  he is waiting for consciousness.

What a joker, that Osho.

Consciousness itself never waits.  It does not wait until Annette arrives or ‘ He Who Waits for consciousness’. Consciousness has no idea!

But me, I have lots of ideas! I think my body, I think myself, I think illness and suffering. I have a great imagination.  I even think Waiting. It’s a good option: just wait until the misery ends.

But never mind waiting for Consciousness! For you ARE consciousnesses.

bicycle path

Okay, just wait until the water is gone, or just try to cycle over it. Or find another way to pass… is there a choice? Yes you will choose the easiest way for you only. You even don’t need to think about it!

Oh yeah, just this: my youngest daughter said last night after I was dropped from table angry because I was completely ignored, "Mommy, your vision is your gone to your head."

I agreed that of course immediately. Everyone is always right, in my view.

But still just asked back: "Yes, but why do you say that?"

"Because of you all is to invent! "

Yeah! Right!

The dog chasing his tail

Today I tell you that I've noticed that there is space between thoughts, between observations. I will immediately say that I made this up.

Want to note that there is such a thing as space between my thoughts and my observations I should already again have an image of something like 'space'. And space is in my vision something illusionary, it actually does not exist. Anyway, so I quickly bogged down in talking about anything and I can stop writing this blog. But I won’t.

Still, I wish  for now to now take this seriously, this 'seeing' of space. It is because noticing space has a lot of consequences. It gives me experience as if  I perceive shreds. Patches forms of existence itself. I will try to explain this:  when I hear my daughters cackle with each other (or children in my class) and while listening to those conversations I see openings, gaps between their reactions to each other, gaps during me hearing this : I hear they speak and hear nothing,  they speak and hear nothing.  I see a figure (you for example)  and I see  nothing, I see a figure and I see  nothing. That 'nothing' must be seen as 'something', and in my imagination it is white. A white balloon. That's the image I get from 'nothing'.  How else could I see nothing? This is a most strange situation. My awareness of nothing is immediately making something up.

Yeah, okay, you can drop out again, but there's something interesting here. The same experience I got with  pain. Physical pain is just the most obvious example: if I have a lot of pain (like  toothache), I feel that pain sometimes is not. There is pain, pain is gone, there is pain, pain gone. Very strange. But I've come up with a statement for it. I have something figured out for my imagined voids, interstices. The explanation is this: I am not what I perceive, I am that what sees the emptiness and the forms.

That's a divorce. I do that on purpose, because if I'm going to pretend that I actually am what I perceive, including the observer himself, then I turn into the dog who is chasing its own tail. But … right, actually I'm that dog. Including its tail of course.

Okay, enough bullshit, I have the song already here and shared, it seems to me particularly finest song to date. And guess what, it's for YOU! Click on this link:

interviews about nonduality

Via an email from someone (P. Kicken) I discovered  the site where you can watch vids of very many people who have been interviewed about the idea nonduality. I thought it would be nice to click on those faces and  listen to them for a while , it took me a few minutes by every face, because everybody is talking about the same subject.

I clicked especially on attractive faces (unconscious action), but suddenly I thought: okay, eyes closed and go! , and then I clicked on just a face.

And so that was immediately the interview what fascinated me the most !! It was already midnight and  I went to bed and listened to the entire interview, with smart phone ears and under the covers.

I must admit, I think at first I kept listening because it was said in the beginning  that he has a radio show - and I love radio people, I'm always enjoying myself at local radio as I  may sing there- and secondly, he says somewhere in the beginning: "... the more complex the people talk about nonduality  it, the less true it is." Then he really had my attention.

 Nice interview! Furthermore, many listening / viewing pleasure to the rest of course :) There are interviews English spoken on this site!

See: http://www.a-dvaita.nl/interviews.htm - and the English interviews you can find here: 

http://www.a-dvaita.nl/english_interviews.htm

Bull shit

People, actually my stories are pure bull shit. The point is: there is only you. You who is reading this and you who is now. You who creates your whole world right at this moment.

You create your future, you creates your ideas about your birth and your death. All false.

I understand if you are not really interested, especially if you are like I lead a pretty nice life. But it's great if you suddenly turn the whole, it takes away the ground beneath your feet , nothing is what it seemed to be.  lAnd that is the liberation,  that  for god saken loving liberation that every human is heading for!

Okay, here is the movie of the seal. The question is:    what is life and what is  death and how you think about your life.  you lead your life full of passion? Go for it, go for it!

click here for what i found on the beach today: the seal

experiences

It depends on faith

What's all this, what is this, what am I, what is the universe.... I once had a strange experience as a 15-year-old girl when I cried out loud all these questions. In the middle of the night, on a deserted football pitch in England, Isle of Wight.  Me and a friend had been out and the disco could not fascinate me, but the starry night  fascinated me.

It was from the disco a good half hour walk to our family and we went off the road to transverse the soccer fields. We had a lot of fun, it was my bbf'er (best friend ever) and she loved dancing and I loved wondering what I was and whether God existed.

Right after I screamed my questions into  the universe  - perhaps I was a bit tipsy, yeas, we Dutch kids drank already secretly, - a very strange thing happened. It seemed as if a huge energy whirlwind swirled through me from above  and it went through me to the earth and back again. I was spinning round and round and called to my girlfriend: SHIT, HELP !!! What is happening! What is happening! And suddenly I knew the answer to those questions I had cried.

After I was told (it was like a kind of seizure, my girlfriend was shocked, but we got the giggles and I remained trembling a while), it was very quiet, I was very calm. I told her my answer: "It all depends  of the faith. Truth depends on what you believe. That is the answer. it is a matter of faith, of what you are baking. What you create. God just told me.” Somehow it felt like a huge release. It meant I could believe whatever I wanted. I could make myself, I could break myself. I could be everything I could be anything.

But ehmm yeah ... but when I felt so calm and silent I suddenly felt the courage  to throw stones against the bedroom window of a boyfriend and then I dared tell him  that I really was not in love with him. After he embraced me with an "oh well, too bad for me," I went to sleep satisfied. Somehow I didn’t think it was that important, this experience, it took me some years before I found the Big Reply Night really began to interest me. Answers, therefore I do not find in specific experiences. Answers I found when I wondered who had thought up the questions.

Ps, I really wanted to write something about life and death, but it didn’t happen

 Today I found a dead seal on the beach, so maybe I will write about that next time.

this morning on the beach

 

On a RAFT at HIGH TIDE

Today I was on the beach  in the storm. I thought, if there is a storm inside there   must be also a storm outside . Or was it the other way?

The storm is blowing inside my mind. My thoughts rush from one corner to the other.

The storm around inside and outside seems similar to the strong flow in the sea that I could not swim against it. The flow  was so strong, I just had to relax  so I could swim out through the side.

What goes on inside is going on outside. Or the other way round.

I put a recording of here "On a Raft at High Tide." That song I sang because last year at Schiermonnikoog,  I got into the sea (see video and photo) and was shocked by the enormous strong currents. And I let them carry me because I could not swim against the strong flow.  The message of this song - to myself - here is: Give up your resistance, let’s be who you are. This does NOT mean "let everything be as it is, because there is STILL nothing to do ..." That's a misconception! Doing nothing is meant to be: to be aware of ... That is the meaning of 'doing nothing'. It means: be aware of your resistance against yourself. That also means: be aware of sensations in your life, you are angry, frustrated, tormented? Let those feelings increase, fully, in all its glory! Be honest, be painfully honest with yourself. Only then automatically displays the solution in any way whatsoever!

Someone is calling to finish the show - but ehhmm .... I am sailing on a RAFT at HIGH TIDE! That can be dangerous! .... And yet ... the curtain is falling ... to the ocean you will sail ... where ships are gonna mail you ... back home! --- But ehhmm .... Still sailing, dangerous! .... Yeah …so what??Do what you must do. 

To listen to the song, click here:
On A RAFT at HIGH TIDE

Those strange trees

Today I walked and I mostly met  trees .. trees ... They are  the most weird things on this planet.

Apparently I have the ability to leave my identification with my person quite easily  and watch the world as if I come from another planet. The first thing that strikes me are those little weird protuberances; weird stems and I have no idea what they are for. I feel very surprised. They are called trees. Trees. Silly things.

I told this to my daughters and my youngest said, "You know what I was asking myself, what the fuck  inspired  man  to get milk from cows, did they think:" Come on, I will get myself pull on those udders  and then go for a drink? Why would you go down  under a cow and pull ... ?? "

Each person is able to see themselves from a different standpoint. Each person is able to wonder about it being 'man' and to wonder about 'self'. It is a universal given.

So I can wonder regularly about my body, it  has four nipples:  arms and legs. And  above it hangs a head that I cannot see. This alienation is not at all frightening. What's scarier to think is that I died a long time ago, but I had no clue. I'm dead, but I didn’t realize. So I still think I am alive ... but I'm dead ... I can imagine that an unstable person  can totally lose the plot because you're alienated from concepts of 'death' and 'life' and the concept of Existence. I myself am not afraid, I'm never scared for myself. And therefore I can be freely afraid of driving and thunderstorms. I'm so afraid! Haha.

About those trees: They are strange creatures, those trees. Apparently they want to be embraced, today I came across this sign against.

Do you know what it is? I am a Tree itself. This is no joke. It is the world that you are and you are the world.

What is consciousness?

What is consciousness?

What the hell is consciousness?

Let me start with this: the term consciousness is a name for a concept which we imagine. Especially the idea that you are there, or: "I am aware of myself." (I am)

But of what are you aware? What is this 'me' or ‘my awareness’?

Probably you now come up with a list such as: my body, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts, my this and my that .... - my identity ....

Your identity invents yourself. You are making up your identity. This is just happening and doesn’t need to be a problem at all.  It is nice to 'have' an anchor. Something you can always fall back on if you feel lost.

It's okay if you believe in your identity when you feel comfortable with it, if you lead a pretty nice life, or you feel yourself comfortable with your identity.

But it's less nice when you are full of negative thoughts about yourself, your past, your family, your environment. Or if you are hurt or hurting other people.  Then you feel unhappy and you go fighting.

To what you fight against? By none other than to yourself and your contrived identity! Is good, no problem. Right?

Do you notice that I make a divorce between YOU and your identity?  This is possible once you become aware of the fact that you're able to LOOK at your identity from a distance. You can  take an imaginary distance from your identity which includes your feelings, emotions, thoughts.  

There is nothing you can do but being  aware of what you accept as your identity.

Consciousness/ awareness is NOT the same  as  judging or condemning  yourself! Being aware means that you look at yourself from an illusionary distance.

And THAT what is watching, is  essentially unmentionable. Ineffable and invisible.

There we fabricated the word 'consciousness' . And then we made a concept again.

That is the circle. The dog that runs after his tail. And then there are all kinds of so-called gurus or teachers who claim that you are "consciousness. But you have no idea! You think that you HAVE consciousness, but the thing is: you ARE.  Me, I,  myself does not exist. Simply does not exist. There is no 'me'. You are dreaming a ‘me’.

That illusionary position what seems to watch as the witness  is really illusory. The consciousness that you try imagine does not exist. Consciousness is no possession and has no owner.  It does not enjoy, it is not evil, it has no color, it is not an ‘it’.

YOU can look at yourself, you look at how you think you are awareness, you can look at your world, but YOU - THAT what is watching … - can not see itself! YOU are made visible by a mirror, a dream, a reflection. And you who are made visible is an illusion. It’s  a wonderful dream!  If you see that your identity is a dream – actually, your whole life and death is a dream - then it  is possible to experience total freedom.

The thing is… you already know this J))

Always old?

Always old?

I am an teacher on an elementary school. I am blessed to work with children around the age of 12. I think that's a nice age, at this age I became self-conscious of my age.

When I was 12 and was in 8th grade, I found myself terribly old. I thought I was not a kid anymore. I remember when I walked through a street of our village, past the house of old people. I imagined that people saw me walk; mostly that was true because I always waved at them as they sat in the window. I did not know them really, but I still remember that I thought: oh my god, these people now find me really old! I'm not a kid anymore. I'm twelve. TWELVE! Terribly old!

The rest of my life I thought / think myself terribly old. Always. Every year, every day. Old, old old!

But actually I do not know well what it means: 'old'.  My body seems to grow older, it shrinks a little now, my eyes are going backwards, I get a wrinkled skin. I see it happening and I can not stop it! But THAT what it sees happening does not change. "THAT" just watches and wonders. "THAT" is not growing older, "THAT" seems always to remain the same!

A timeless witness, a witness who was present when my  four-year-old body lay in the grass and wondered about something as "grass" A timeless witness who saw me brushing the sidewalk with a dustpan  and I looked at my young people hands, little hands, little fingers, childish little hands … and I thought. Now is NOW and it will always be NOW..

stop defending your ego

My boss was a little mad at me …

Previously I ever visited a satsang. I did not know what that was, a satsang something like  is a gathering , a place where people talk about Enlightenment, Consciousness, Awareness, you can ask questions to a teacher, usually a teacher of the Advaita Vedanta.  Every satsang (gathering) is different. Yes, I've read about it and I adopted its definitions for knowledge.

However, I am not someone who likes to delve into ancient traditions such as Advaita Vedanta. I prefer to immerse myself in myself, who I really am, regardless of any tradition. To investigate myself , I first have to believe in my existence, otherwise there is nothing to delve into me. So my first point is: I exist and I experience.

And now, I take you directly to my experience today was summoned. I don’t know why, but somehow I already felt I got into trouble with my boss this day.

Of course I had many good reasons to defend myself, to explain myself. But ... it does not matter to me. As I sat there at his office I thought to myself, "It looks like as if I wrote this script myself. What the fuck is going on…  The whole game should be played, and I join and have  fun  with it. "

This is what I am experiencing: I see myself sitting there and there are all kinds of feelings going through me: irritability, anxiety, fatigue, anger, sadness. These are the meanings I give to all these kind of signals I felt.  But there is something else: and that is Presence. Awareness of a fake game where everyone plays his role and that role should be played anyway. What the hell. There is one very important thing that I've learned and I will tell you here:

I once had a colleague with whom I ran a class for a year. A popular, likable and attractive man. What he did was very simple when he was criticized. He always said to the others: “You are right.”

The Trick

The trick

Today was my first day on Schiermonnikoog. I come there since I was born , my mother was born there. Schiermonnikoog is the island of love and  emptiness.

Today I experienced a great sense of happiness when I cycled across the island and enjoyed the beautiful surreal colors.

And therefore this: What I want you to know  is that every experience is SEEN. By you! The trick is, you identify with the witness, the spectator and STAY THERE.

I say "trick" because identification with whatever is a trick. It has to do with the focus of attention. Focusing your attention on your body is very easy,  because you're used to it. You are used to identify yourself with your body. You can focus attention on a math problem or at work, or anything.

 But ... how can you focus your attention on consciousness?  On that which by definition cannot see itself? It actually cannot. It cannot because you are essentially Attention  yourself. Attention focuses attention on attention, consciousness itself is conscious ... Very strange...

It seems that you still can DO something with this (I deliberately say 'seems' at this level). Therefore, there are teachers, gurus (and someone like me) who feel that they have to point to something you can’t see..because this is what your ARE.  They want to tell others about the assumption that the other person does not know about. But actually that's totally unnecessary. Why? Because everyone - you too - knows who or what he is by nature. You can shout loud that you know nothing and so you are right, actually that’s the whole point: you know nothing, I know nothing, and that’s what you really are. On the other side you can think / believe that you can perfect pay your attention to   Nothing, Consciousness, Attention.

This think or believe is a pose, it's a ploy to take yourself to that attention. That is what many people during meditation practice. Practicing in just LOOK at you sensations you experience. This exercise or meditation, you do to not only fit while meditating on those special times with your meditation club. You can always apply it, every moment of your existence.

What I want you to know today is that every sensation, every experience is SEEN. By you! I want you to know that every experience of joy and happiness during meditative moments is taken… that's not what you really are. What you really are is THAT what sees   these experiences come and go.

Let me add here some comments on. A beautiful TRICK is, if you're looking for the truth about yourself:  take everything you experience as positive, as a true fact.   Everything that you experience as negative, you can take immediately this as  FALSE. Throw it away. It's not true. I do not mean that you need to go to deny negative feelings, but that which makes you feel bad you can reject it. Stop believing in all those thoughts which make you feel bad.  

Finally, I want to emphasize again that every sensation, every thought or feelings about truth or falsity (as in the paragraph above) in fact always happens IN you. The experiences are not YOU. You are that what is aware of the experiences. It’s awareness what you are.